Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he was CRYING into my vagina
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.