wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
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don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.