Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
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I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
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I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?