chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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