Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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