So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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