So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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