I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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