I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
