Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
