you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
