Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
