why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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