I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
