11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
