How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
nutella sex= disaster
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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