peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Someone shit on the floor
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize