This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
