i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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