I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
my poor anus
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
