he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
