Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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