u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
