Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i think my cat just said my name.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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