the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
