I wish I could punch you in the face.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
