Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
