How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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