Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
