i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
