So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
