I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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