It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
