The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
