Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
