I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
