There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
