I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize