This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
