piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
