your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
