I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
