I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
