so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
