I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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