I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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