Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just gargled with NyQuil
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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