so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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