I will die if light touches me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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