There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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