This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
