so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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