if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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