I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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