so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
