i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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