she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
