i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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